We’ve all been there who do this work. We get heady on the successes. We are sure the gods or angels or demons or ancestors are smiling on our work. We feel blessed, we see differently, we begin to shape the world to our dreams…
And then it seems to stop. Or blow. Or our world hits the fan.
We in the West tend to sling platitudes too easily. Oh, the spirits/gods/whoever have different plans. Oh, this is a challenge that you are meant to overcome to get better. Oh, there’s nothing the universe will throw at you that you can’t handle.
It’s poor comfort to hear any of that when you are laying crying in a pool of herbs and melted wax from months of magic and you still don’t have a job or your health or anyone who really loves you.
It’s also a glass of cruelty to hurl in someone’s face to say to them that it’s because they didn’t have their correspondences lined up, or that they did the spell wrong, or that their ancestors hate them, or that they are somehow manifesting this misfortune on themselves by making whatever decisions they make. (I’ve heard too many Pagans say that about others over the years when witnessing their hardships. It’s ignorant and mean.)
What’s not working? Why is it not working for me and is for everyone else?
Another bad Western habit we have is to treat magic like a science experiment and go back over our notes or Crowley’s theory or some other magical recipe book. Do I need to change an element or two? Were my correspondences off? Should I try it again? Again? Again?
Was it because my will is weak? Do I need to train it harder? Am I just cursed? I do work for others and it’s successful; myself, it fails. Why?
Been through it all. Still go through it. Questioned every angle. Broke down and broke apart. Somehow came out of it all. Still end up there sometimes.
I don’t have an answer. Anyone claiming to have it is lying. All I have are reflections on my experience…
- Your judgment does need to be clear when planning and doing magic. Your emotions can cloud your judgment. Tend to that. But remember that your judgment is not your will.
- Crowley didn’t have it all figured out. He knew a lot and gave us a lot. The man never had to look for a job, he had plenty of lovers, he never knew hunger. But his daughter still died despite all his magical efforts, and he couldn’t beat addiction. Think on that. And keep your heart open for the guy.
- The alchemical process is the shamanic process: break down, fall apart, die, purify, be reborn, be tempered and shaped, be refined, shine. Then do it again. Sure, we all have that metaphor beat into our heads. But when life starts to hit the shitter — the diagnosis, the layoff, the breakup, the bankruptcy — we forget it. And we believe we’re bad at magic, we’re cursed, we’re forsaken. Why? Why do we not approach the breakdown as a beginning rather than as the end of everything?
- When was the last time you cried and screamed and begged for help while doing magic?… You don’t? Why not?…
- The big lesson of Fire Circle — of running around a fire in circles until you are exhausted for three nights in a row — is that your belief in your ability to control any outcome, especially a magical outcome, is a delusion that melts away with your resolve and your physical vigor and your consciousness. You start out pushing the engine — and then surrender to the force. And with the surrender comes the releasing of blocks. And then the magic happens… at that moment, over the year, over and over… and it’s hard.
- You can’t smooth wood with a scrap of velvet.
- It’s only been when I have completely given up — when I have said fuck it, it’s over, I’m going to be evicted, I’m going to lose everything, I’m going to be lonely and untouched forever, I’m never going to have what I need… only then does the magic kick in.
- It never gets easier. We choose this path to find power, joy, healing, wealth and love, and to not take any of that for granted, or to believe we came to it by favor. We have to work hard to understand it all.
- There’s not enough crying in magic; we’re pretty lousy at praying too. (Invoking isn’t praying.) And outside of our circles and temples, we’re pretty bad at paying attention to what matters and what messages we need to hear.
- I’m not getting everything I want out of life yet, either. Magic isn’t always the answer.
- Yes. Try again. Keep trying. But set a limit. Make a date to stop. If you don’t, you will waste your time and your gifts on something that isn’t meant to be, and not applying them to what the new thing is to come. Pick a date, then stop trying again.
- Ask for help… from those you can’t apprehend with your senses. Get over yourself.
- Ask for help from those you can apprehend. Again, get over yourself. We aren’t going to be good at everything and it’s hubristic to think we will be. Fire Circle beat the bad luck off me, and a rootworker friend helped me get my job. I’m asking for help around love because my emotions cloud me up and impact my ability to focus. Other magical people love to help. Ask…. When someone asks for your help isn’t it an honor? Yes. Of course. Help. And accept the help.
- Magic is an art. Any artist will tell you they have rough drafts, reject piles, paintings painted over, and projects they gave up on that don’t work. Not every circle you cast is a masterpiece. Occasional perfectionists will never make as beautiful a work as the daily muckarounds. Make the mess. Refine the success.
- I used to peel open peony buds when I was a little kid. I thought I was helping them bloom. My mother said if I kept doing that, I’d kill them…. I recently told both a Reiki student and a festivant new to Reiki that you visualize a flower blooming when you provide and accept energy…. You don’t push magic to work by your standards and demands; you use your energy in accordance with the energy of those you wish to affect. And it will affect you.
- Yes, you deserve love, luck, prosperity, beauty, meaning, friends, lovers, and a fulfilling life. You deserve a killer intellect, a gentle soul, and a drive to help. You deserve a beautiful, difficult world and the basic hospitality it provides. You deserve to be safe and well. People say those things to me all the time; the real discipline, the real magic comes with knowing that’s all true. The gods hid Divine Wisdom, the Pearl of Great Price, within humankind, knowing we would never think to look there – and not want to look there. Magic and ritual provide the light to see it all, just for a moment… and that’s what keeps us moving through the dark rather than hiding from it.
Rose in the Retort 